WHEN THE OLDER WOMEN CONGREGATE AT THE CHURCH DOOR/GATE...

I’ve been threatening myself that I’d write this piece for almost a year now, but hadn’t been irritated enough to actually get to it... until now. Let me ask you: what did you think of the title? What was the first thing that went through your mind when you read it? Let me finish the sentence: When the older women (the Church Posse) congregate at the church door...they are talking about you, young single!!! Yes, you’d best believe it! They are talking about you and lying in wait for you, o hapless single, to walk by so they can bombard you with questions about when you’re going to get married and why you haven’t brought your partner to church!


An older single friend of mine told me about her experience three years ago at the hands of the older women in her church. They would lie in wait for her at the main entrance to the church after mass and when she passed by and stopped to greet them, (she wouldn’t dare ignore them), they would launch into a pop-quiz session on when she’d get married. That certainly made her quite unenthusiastic about going to church. I had quite a good laugh at her expense then. Imagine my dismay when I started getting similar treatment last year!


The first time it happened, I walked into the trap without even realising it. It was a group of female leaders (elders) of the church. Naive girl that I was, I’d no idea that they weren’t chatting about church activities. They stood at the entrance (gate) to the church after service and when I walked by and greeted them (as I should and as they expected), they launched full blast into pop-quiz mode:
Ques 1: Ei, how are you?
Response (with a warm, genuine smile): I’m fine, thank you.
Ques 2: Ei, where is our in-law?
Response: (in total shock...automatic response) Ye rehwe die Nyame beye (We’re waiting on God for his appointed time)
Ques 3: When are you bringing our in-law to church?
Response: (smiling a little sheepishly by now) Ye rehwe die Nyame beye (We’re waiting on God for his appointed time)
Ques 4: We will have a wedding by year’s end, won’t we?
Response: (fake smile takes over; trying hard not to show my irritation) Ye rehwe die Nyame beye (We’re waiting on God for his appointed time)
By this time, I’m starting to move hurriedly away, but they’re walking along with me...
Parting shot 1: I’ve bought a nice hat for your wedding oh, so don’t take too long about it!
Parting shot 2: Don’t worry, it will happen. Believe it and it will happen.
Response: (feeling totally disoriented by now) Ah yoo! (I hear you)

I walked off hurriedly before another older woman, who was heading towards us could join us.


The second time it happened (and I mean major incident, not minor infractions of my privacy), one of the Church Posse members got up from her seat on the front row pew and walked to my seat at the back of the church (towards the exit) to pester me.
Ques: Oh Nana, why didn’t you bring him along with you to church? (She’d noticed I was in church from when I went to the front during offertory time)
Response: (smiling, laughing a little even) Oh, Auntie, as I’ve told you already, I’m not seeing anyone.
Ques: Why, do you have bad character traits, which is why the men are not coming to you? Are you too loud-mouthed? Is your temper too fiery?
Response: (silence... too shocked to say anything)
Parting shot: You have to be patient with them and learn to control your temper, eh?
Response: (feeling downcast, dismayed... totally disoriented) Alright, Auntie. I will do that. Thank you.


She walked back to seat because the reverend minister had begun the sermon. I was so outraged I hardly heard a word of the sermon. This time, as soon as church service was over, I left for home. I didn’t stay to chitchat because I wasn’t interested in hearing more ridiculous comments.


I couldn’t believe that anyone could actually say that to me, or to anyone else for that matter. Here I was minding my own business and then having someone lash out at me in this manner. She didn’t know and didn’t care how I was feeling or what was going on in my life. Whether I was genuinely having trouble attracting or keeping a man or it was a deliberate choice to lie low for a while. She didn’t know and didn’t care if I was going through a difficult time at work or through emotionally turbulent times. I’m the oldest of three daughters; my two younger sisters are both married and the middle one has two sons. I’m happy for them and very supportive of them. We get along great; we hang out often and I adore my little nephews. I firmly believe that we travel along different paths in life and so I’m happy with my life as it is. I thought it quite cruel of her because being as close as she is to my family and knowing so much about us, she should have been the last person to pass a comment like that. Imagine how utterly crushed and shattered I’d have been if I’d been having difficulties coping with being single and having married younger sisters!


After this and a few minor incidents, I stayed away from church and from the older women for a while and then after protests from my parents about my absenteeism from church, I went to church last Sunday and got another reminder as to one good reason why I’ve lost interest in the church I grew up in (been a member for 20 years). One woman (a neighbour) I greeted told me she was waiting for my wedding and had already bought her white cloth for the occasion! She told me she’d wrapped it up to preserve it and so I laughed and told her to keep it preserved because it had a long wait ahead of it. Her oldest daughter, who was standing next to her and who had got married in her mid-30s signalled for me to ignore her mother.


The curious thing about these women pressurizing young women to marry is that often, it is the women whom everybody knows had terrible marriages who do it the most. It makes me wonder if it’s a case of misery loving company or they feel that you too must “smell“ the “pepper” that marriage has been for them? You’d think they’d be the ones to caution young women especially to take their time to find a good partner and to be sure that they want to be with that particular person, but no! They are the ones who’ll pressurise you into settling down with the wrong person and then later tell you that’s how marriages go and that God abhors divorce, so “manage” the situation. These church posses are the very ones who turn young, happy single women into discontented, desperate-for-marriage women, who’ll settle down with an ogre, just to have her peace of mind (from their continuous harassment) and also to get respect from others. By the way, the harassment doesn’t stop there; they harass you to have a baby as soon as you marry and then to have some more later.


Why can’t the older women in the church mentor the younger ones? Why can’t they educate them on the challenges of life; of dating, of marriage and having a family? Why can’t they use their experience and expertise to better prepare the younger women in the church towards these life-changing events instead of hounding them into a marriage they’re ill-prepared and ill-equipped for and worse still, with people they may not really know or want to be with?


Young single ladies out there, if you see a group of older women congregate at the church door or gate, know for sure they are talking about you. You don’t need to avoid them; walk confidently past them, greet them politely and if they bombard you with the pop-quiz, tell them: “We’re waiting on God for his appointed time.” You may even add: “God’s time is the best” to it. Walk away and think nothing more of it. In time, they will stop bothering you about it. When the time is really right, you truly will find that special someone and you’ll be glad you waited. Until then, beware the Church Posse!